Sometimes I wonder if my arthritis medications are really worth it. I had my second Simponi Injection yesterday and for the whole night my head felt like I had taken a week’s supply of steroids but my body didn’t have any energy. Of course this resulted in me having a massive headache today and felt more exhausted than usual. I know you don’t get the benefits of the injection straight away, probably won’t feel the benefits for another month or so, but you don’t expect them to make you feel worse. My head felt like I could do anything; get up and run a marathon, scrub the entire apartment with a toothbrush or clear out all the clutter in my room but my body refused to move. So all I could do was stay in bed with my thoughts. Lying in bed with all these thoughts racing and spinning around my head driving myself crazy isn’t my idea of fun, especially knowing that spending too much time overthinking things is very bad for my depression. If I wasn’t suffering with a chronic illness would my depression have improved by now? If the new medication doesn’t work soon how much worse will my condition get before I find something that does work? Will I have improved by this time next year or how will I be suffering in 5 years’ time? I have so many thoughts and questions running around my head that I can’t answer. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this but my head just wouldn’t stop.
I’m also questioning why my other medication doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve been on a higher dose of Methoject now for four months and my arthritis seems worse instead of better. The pains in my wrists and hands are worse than they used to be, the pains in my face, jaws and head are a lot more frequent than they used to be and my energy levels are still as low as ever. Why am I injecting myself every week with this horrible stuff if it’s not even working? Would I be way worse if I stopped it? I feel like every week I seem to have a new problem and it’s really getting me down. I’m starting to feel like a complete hypochondriac and I’m starting to worry that people will think I’m making up all these problems. You couldn’t possibly make up these pains and feelings as you couldn’t describe the pains if you’ve never experienced them. And the feeling in your body like there’s a battle going on inside you between the good cells and bad cells and all the cells are fighting so hard it wears you out; no one could make that up if you weren’t experiencing it. Hopefully someday soon this medication will start to do what it’s supposed to do and the good cells will win the battle.